The Sonic Chronicles
by geckobubbles
Summary: A bunch of things happen and people scream a lot. This is basically just a crackfic thing that kind of just started because I thought it would be fun to write a fanfic of something while knowing very little about the thing, except I know stuff now so knowing stuff probably affects things now.
1. The One With the Antichrist

Upon the grass stood a guy who was blue and also a hedgehog. His name was some kind of bunch of letters with an S and an O and an N and an I and a C. Those letters spelled Sonic. That was his name. Also he was a hedgehog and blue and he was standing on grass.

But anyway, this guy's name was Sonic, and he liked running. So he ran constantly. But that took up a lot of energy, so he also drank coffee constantly. That resulted in him having a lot of energy and also an addiction to coffee. Also he had to pee a lot. This annoyed the friend guy who was currently with him currently, this fox guy named Tails who can fly and stuff because he has two tails and a weird spine that can somehow support functional helicopter tails, because he had to keep running to the bathroom every twenty minutes while he was trying to tell stories about all the stuff he did while high. Tails took a lot of shrooms and LSD you see, so he always had a lot of weird stories about what happens when he's all high and stuff.

Anyway, Sonic and Tails were sitting around in the grass outside somewhere and talking about stuff. Then this guy showed up. He was like Sonic except also like some kind of shitty Sonic recolor OC you might see a lot of on DeviantArt, who'd also probably be shipped with every female character possible. And possibly some of the mail ones, depending on whether or not the person who made the OC is into mail delivery people.

"Wow, whose OC are you and how did you escape DeviantArt?" Sonic said very quickly because he does a lot of things quickly, including saying things.

The Sonic recolor guy glared and stuff. "I'm not an OC! I'm _canon_ , _bitch_!"

"Yeah right man, you're as canon as I am not high right now," said Tails as he stared somewhere off to the right of the recolor.

"So who are you anyway?" Sonic questionated.

"I'm Shadow, the ultimate dark and edgy thing! OF ULTIMATE _DARKNESS_ AND _EDGINESS_!"

"Huh," replied Sonic. "You're sure you're not an OC?"

"Hmmph, no OC could be as edgy as I am!"

Sonic stared and stuff. "Sure."

Tails looked at Shadow for a moment before saying a thing. "I don't know dude, I feel like we should be worried 'bout stuff. He's all dark and red, like some kind of bad guy or something."

"Are you suggesting that I am _the antichrist_? Because I'm _not_!" antichristed Shadow in a way that was completely not suspicious. "I AM NOT THE SON OF SATAN! _DO NOT BELIEVE_ THE _LIES_ PEOPLE SPREAD!"

Sonic shrugged. "Alright then. Hey, want to join us?"

"Sure." Shadow stood there and for a moment there was silence. Shadow then broke that moment with more words. "I am definitely not secretly working for my father to murder you for some reason. And he is definitely not Satan. I am very trustworthy!"

"So what do you want to do today?" Sonic asked while running in place. He had been running in place the entire time by the way.

"Why don't we go to some isolated area where people never go and no one would ever find a body?" suggestified Shadow. "It will be be _FUN_!"

"Good idea!" Sonic screamed loudly while running in circles around the unicorn. The unicorn then ran off. No one questioned why a unicorn was just suddenly there before not being there.

"I don't know about this, bro," Tails began, "isolated areas are kinda isolated, and it could be hard to get medical attention if some kinda accident happened."

"Or if something _intentionally_ happened!" Shadow declared excitedly. "Not that anything will happen. Nothing bad will happen. Do not act on any safety concerns."

"Don't be so worried. Ooh, why don't we go to that isolated, hard to find cave that people often hide bodies in?"

Shadow nodded with enthusiasm and also his head. "Yes! I agree with this idea!"

So they began to go off and find the isolated, hard to find cave that people often hide bodies in. And then this one guy showed up. He was red and also had one of those weird penises that echidnas have.

"Hey! I'm Knuckles! They call me that because I have knuckles," proclaimed the red guy with the weird echidna penis. "They also call me Abdomen, because I have an abdomen. Same with Wrists. And Feet. And also Vertebrae, and Teeth, and Testicles... I go by a lot of names."

"Knuckles, why are you introducing yourself?" asked Sonic. "We already know you. We're friends or whatever."

"Oh yeah." Knuckles then noticed Shadow. "Wow, I have no idea who you are!"

"The name's Shadow. And it'll be _THE_ _LAST NAME YOU'LL EVER SEE_!" screamed Shadow in a very loud voice. "I am not a threat to your life," he then added.

"Oh!" Sonic suddenly oh!ed, "Wanna come to the isolated cave where people hide bodies, Knuckles?"

"An isolated cave where people hide bodies? And we're going there with some random guy we just met?"

"Yep!" Sonic replied while his head violently nodded. "So, wanna come?"

Knuckles thought about it for a few seconds before replying. " _FUCK YEAH_!"

And then they continued on their journey to the isolated cave where people hide bodies.

And then this one girl with a hammer showed up. And she immediately wanted to have sex with Shadow, because the only purpose of females in fiction is to have sex with the male characters, especially the self inserts. Shadow wasn't actually a self insert, but he looks like he could be one, and he just suddenly showed up and was with her canon friend people like self inserts often do, so her tiny female brain full of tiny female thoughts centered around pleasuring males couldn't tell the difference. Also her name was Amy. That's probably a detail.

They were getting quite close to the isolated cave where people hide bodies. Shadow was excited.

"This will be great! And there will be plenty of bodies to necrophiliate too!" he declared.

And then they were right at the place with the isolated cave where people hide bodies. They were about to enter, but then a guy showed up.

"AH HA HA HA HA HA!" said the guy. He was laughing.

"Oh shit dude!" Tails declared, "It's Robotguy!"

Everyone was surprised and stuff by Robotguy's sudden appearance.

"Pfff, who's _this_ clown?" Shadow questioned.

"Oh _sure_ , you may not know who I am _now_ ," Robotguy began annoyedly, "but when I put all those years of clown college to use, you'll see! YOU'LL _ALL_ SEE! HA HA HA HAAAA!"

"Oh yeah?" Shadow said while grabbing a thing. "Well, you know what _you'll_ be seeing?"

" _Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm_?" hmmmmed Robotguy.

"A _BULLET_! FLYING TOWARDS _YOUR HEAD_! AND IT'LL BE _FROM MY GUN, BITCH_!" Shadow then pointed a gun at Robotguy and shot him in the head. He died.

Everyone was very surprised at this.

"Shadow, _what the fuck_?" screamed Sonic calmly and in a panicked voice.

"What?" Shadow asked in a voice that suggested he had no idea why people were reacting to him committing a murder like that.

Sonic stared and stuff. "You just _shot him_!"

"Yeah," Shadow said proudly. "That was _great_!"

Sonic just stood there. Everyone else also stood there too. Amy was the first to do anything after that.

"Oh no!" she screamed. "The guy I want to fuck just killed a guy! That's so hot but also kind of rude! I'm so conflicted! _MY TINY BOOBGINA BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE CONFLICTIONS_!"

And then her head exploded. She was dead. It was sad. They then proceeded to have a funeral for her. After it was over they remembered that they were supposed to be going to the isolated cave where people hide bodies. So they went back there and finally entered the cave.

"Well, we're finally here!" Sonic declared.

"Why did we decide to go here anyway?" asked Knuckles.

Sonic thought for a moment. "I have no idea."

"Sonic, I must confess a thing," Shadow began to say via his mouth.

"What?" Sonic replied.

"I'm... _YOUR BROTHER_!"

"WHAT!" Sonic screamed loudly in a soft, quiet, whispery voice.

"GASP!" gasped Knuckles dramatically.

"NO WAAA _AAAY_!" Tails said all stuffishly and stuff.

" _IT IS TRUE_!" Shadow yelled. "OUR MOTHER AND MY FATHER HAD A CHILD! SHE LEFT THE CHILD WITH HIM AFTER HE WAS BORN! _I WAS THE CHILD_!"

" _WHAT_?" Sonic yelled. "BUT WHO _IS_ YOUR FATHER?"

"HE IS... _SATAN_!"

"AAAAAAAA _AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH_!" screamed Sonic with horror and stuff. " _YOU'RE THE ANTICHRIST_!"

"I _AM_!" Shadow declared. "AND _NOW WE MUST BATTLE_!"

And thus, they began preparing to battle.

"How could you, Shadow?" Sonic questioned with sadness and horror. "I thought we were friends! And also apparently half-brothers!"

"That was _A LIE_!" Shadow proclaimed. "The friend part. Not the brother part. We really are half-brothers. BUT WE WON'T BE SOON! BECAUSE _YOU WILL BE DEAD_!"

"ONE OF US BEING DEAD DOESN'T CHANGE OUR BEING-HALF-BROTHERSNESS!" Sonic screamed. "IT ONLY INCREASES OUR DEADNESS!"

"WELL YOUR DEADNESS WILL BE _MAXIMIZED_!" Shadow declared with a laugh ringing with _edginess_.

"NOT IF I _WIN_!" Sonic proclaimed.

Shadow laughed again. "YOU WON'T WIN, FOR _LOSING IS INEVITABLE_!"

"FOR YOU IT IS!" retorted Sonic.

"NO, FOR _YOU_!" Shadow bageled edgily. "AND AFTER I FINISH OFF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS, I WILL SET OUT TO ACHIEVE MY LIFELONG DREAM _OF MURDERING THE PRESIDENT_!"

"SHADOW, NO!"

" _SHADOW YES_!"

Sonic glared determinededededededededededededededly for a moment. "Enough talk... LET'S FIGHT!"

"I _AGREE WITH THAT IDEA_!" Shadow yelled.

"THIS BATTLE WAS YOUR IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"THEN I AGREE WITH _MYSELF_!"

"OF COURSE YOU WOULD!"

"WHAT'S _THAT_ SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"IT MEANS THAT YOU AGREEING WITH YOURSELF MAKES SENSE!"

"Oh. Well... YOU WOULD _AGREE WITH YOURSELF TOO_!"

"PROBABLY!"

"I BET YOU AGREE WITH YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU'RE _ABOUT TO DIE_!"

Then Tails intervened. "So are you dudes gonna fight or what?"

"That's about to happen! _RIGHT NOW_!" Shadow yelled in a voice as metaphorically dripping with darkness and edginess as always.

" _OOOOR_..." Sonic began dramatically, "WE COULD BE _FRIENDS_!"

" _WHAT_. WHY WOULD I _BE FRIENDS WITH YOU_?"

"BECAUSE _FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC_!" Sonic said.

"OKAY!"

And then they were friends. Shadow stopped trying to murder Sonic and his friend people and stuff. Also no one cared that Shadow was the antichrist. And they had to do less stuff now that Robotguy was dead or something.

The end.


	2. The One With the Illuminati

Upon the grass was a bunch of water falling down rapidly from the sky via clouds up in the sky. Noises also occurred sometimes as well, along with violent bursts of bright stuff that was really hot and brief and electrical. Somewhere in some kind of the general area of the part of the sky where there were clouds which were the source of all these things, there was a building. Probably. This building probably contained people.

These people included a blue guy who was fast, and a fox guy who was currently really high, and a red guy with a bunch of body parts, and a guy who was all dark and edgy and had a gun. Plus there was also this other person there. She was a bat. Not the kind that you use to hit things such as balls or people you don't like. She was the kind of bat that has wings and stuff. And also boobs for some reason. Anyway, her name was Rogue.

"So then the gnomes, like, started screaming or whatever, because I stepped on their tiny village," Tails wordified as he recalled the hallucinations he experienced the day before. "And they were all like, ' _dude_!' and I was all like ' _shit_!' and-"

"Hold on, I need to pee!" Sonic declared as he ran to the bathroom all quickly and stuff.

Tails was annoyed, for Sonic did this about every ten minutes. "Shit man..."

"So," began Rogue, "what did these gnomes look like?"

"I don't know dude, they were like... gnomes, or something," Tails explained helpfully.

"Did any of them have any red makeup?" she questionated questioningly.

Tails thought about that for a moment. "Don't think so. 'cept maybe that clown one."

Rogue was disappointed. Sonic then proceeded to run back into the room.

"I'm back!" he proclaimed, for he had indeed returned from the bathroom safe and unharmed.

"So anyway," Tailed said and stuff, "the gnomes were all like-"

And then at that moment, everyone simultaneously went blind. Except they didn't. The power just went out and that resulted in it being dark now.

"Well, that just happened," Sonic statementified after a moment of silence. "Probably caused by the storm or something."

" _No_..." began Shadow, "that's what _they_ want us to think!"

" _They_?" asked Knuckles.

" _THEY_!" Shadow screamed while nodding violently.

"Who the hell is _they_?" questionated Tails.

" _They_ are... _THE ILLUMINATI_!" declared Shadow in the most dramatic way possible.

" _GASP_!" gasped Knuckles dramatically. " _THE ILLUMINATI_? THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!"

Sonic stared for a moment. "...what?"

" _Yes_ ," replied Shadow. "Such a surprising revelation, _isn't it_?"

"It IS!" Knuckles screamed. "WHO ELSE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY CAUSED THIS BUT _THE ILLUMINATI_?"

Sonic continued to stare at them. "...the _thunderstorm_?"

"Pfff, the thunderstorm is just a _coverup_!" expositified Shadow. "They made it to hide the _true causers_ of this power outage... _THE ILLUMINATI_!"

" _No way_! We gotta do something about this, man!" exclamationed Tails.

"THE ILLUMINATI _MUST BE STOPPED_!" Knuckles screamed dramatically as he held up a sword in a way that was also dramatic. No one knew where it came from, but no one cared enough to question it.

"I AGREE WITH YOUR DECLARATIONS!" yelled Rogue.

"Goddamnit guys..." Sonic said with a sigh.

Shadow gestured with great dramaticness. " _COME WITH ME_! WE MUST _HUNT DOWN THE ILLUMINATI_! AND _STOP THEM FROM COMMITTING THEIR CRIMES_!"

So everyone went outside. It was raining. A power line was down.

"It appears that a power line appears to be down," observed Rogue.

"Yeah," Sonic began. "Probably because of the stor-"

" _THE ILLUMINATI_!" interrupted Shadow.

" _Guys_! It's not the illuminati, _it's_ _just a thunderstorm_!" Sonic exasperatededly explainedified.

" _Wait a minute_!" stuffed Rogue. "That's what someone who's _secretly hiding the fact that they're secretly in the illuminati_ would say!"

" _GASP_!" gasped Knuckles. "SONIC! ARE YOU _IN THE ILLUMINATI_?"

Sonic stared and sighed and stuff. "...I'm just going to go back inside now."

Shadow then grabbed Sonic's arm. "NO ONE LEAVES UNTIL THE ILLUMINATI _HAS BEEN STOPPED_!"

"Hey dudes, look at that triangle over there!" Tails was now pointing at a thing.

Shadow gasped. "It must have been left by... _THE ILLUMINATI_!"

"THAT'S JUST A _TRAFFIC CONE_!" yelled Sonic.

"THE TRAFFIC CONE FACTORY MUST BE _OWNED BY THE ILLUMINATI_!" Rogue said quietly.

" _NOOOOOOOO_!" nooooooooed Knuckles dramatically. "NOT THE TRAFFIC CONE FACTORY!"

"THEY DON'T _JUST_ OWN THE TRAFFIC CONE FACTORY!" Shadow calmly began to explain. "THEY OWN _THE GOVERNMENT_!"

" _WHAT_!" Knuckles whated.

"THEY OWN _ALL THE GOVERNMENTS_!"

" _NOOO WAAAAY_!" Tails nooo waaaayed.

"THEY OWN _ALL THE MAJOR PRODUCERS OF JEWELRY, ICE CREAM, AND KIWIS_!"

"THE BIRD KIND OF KIWI OR THE FRUIT KIND?" questioned Rogue.

" _BOTH_!"

" _GASP_!" she gasped in relaxed contentment.

"AND THAT'S NOT ALL!" Shadow continued to explain, " _THE ILLUMINATI OWNS THE ENTIRE WORLD_!"

Everyone reacted with horror at this. Sonic kind of just stood there as his face began to smoosh itself into his hands.

"Shadow, where are you even getting all this from?" he said as his hands continued to be touching his face.

"I read it on a website about... _THE ILLUMINATI_!"

Sonic then sighed and stuff even more. "Those goddamn conspiracy theorists..."

"You're just saying that because you're not _THINKING ENOUGH_ TO _SEE THE TRUTH_!"

"Dude, where'd Rogue go?" Tails said all suddenly and stuff.

It was at that point that everyone realized that Rogue wasn't there.

"ROGUE HAS BEEN ABDUCTED!" Shadow screamed in horror. "BY... _THE ILLUMINATI_!"

Sonic sighed once more. "The illuminati didn't abduct her, she probably just walked away for some rea-wait where's Knuckles?"

Everyone then realized that Knuckles was also missing.

" _GASP_!" gasped Shadow. "KNUCKLES HAS ALSO BEEN ABDUCTED BY... _THE ILLUMINATI_!" He then noticed that Tails was also missing. "AS WELL AS TAILS AS WELL!"

"Okay what is even happening now." And then Sonic noticed that Shadow was now missing too.

He then heard a slightly distant voice saying words in the distance. "I HAVE ALSO BEEN ABDUCTED BY... _THE ILLUMINATI_!"

"What."

And then Sonic was abducted by... _the illuminati_!

They all woke up after a bunch of being unconscious. It was dark and they were tied to chairs. The room was covered in triangles and secrecy.

"...where the fuck are we?" Sonic said in a voice that suggested he had no idea where they were.

"Hmmmmm," Shadow hmmmed. "This room is full of _triangles and secrets_! We must have been abducted by... _THE ILLUMINATI_!"

"You have indeed been abducted by... _THE ILLUMINATI_!" declared a mysterious figure person in robes and stuff.

" _GASP_!" asked Knuckles, "WHO _IS_ THIS MYSTERIOUS HOODED FIGURE?"

"It is ME!" the person said as she did stuff and exposed her face to people's eyes. It was Rogue.

"Rogue? You're working for those illuminati dudes?" Tails questioned with surprise?

"That is exactly what I am doing! I've been working for the illuminati the whole time!" she proclaimed and stuff. "And we really did cause the power outage and also fake the storm to do a coverup!"

" _GASP_!" gasped Knuckles in horror.

" _NO WAY DUDE_!" bageled Tails with stuff or whatever.

" _I KNEW IT_!" speech verbed Shadow.

Sonic was kind of surprised and also confused and wasn't entirely sure what was happening anymore. "... _what_."

"And _now_ , I will do the thing that I have been waiting so long to do!" Rogue then began to laugh maniacally as she pulled out a thing.

And then someone jumped down and punched her in the face. It was someone who looked and sounded exactly like Rogue.

"WHAT? WHO IS THIS ROGUE LOOKALIKE PERSON!" kdfnjosghdskjfnsfk ndfn dksfned Knuckles.

"I AM THE _REAL_ ROGUE!" yelled the other Rogue. She then pointed to the first Rogue. "THIS IMPOSTER IS MY _EVIL TWIN_ , _ROUGE_!"

She then tore off Rouge's disguise, so now everyone could see what she really looked like. She was a bat. Not the kind that has wings and stuff. She was the kind of bat that you use to hit things such as balls or people you don't like. And also she had boobs for some reason.

Rouge wasn't particularly thrilled. "Well, you may have ruined my disguise, but you won't ruin my plan to APPLY RED MAKEUP TO THE FACES OF _EVERYONE IN THE WORLD_!"

"OH YES I WILL!" Rogue declared before throwing a bunch of lighter fluid on Rouge. She then proceeded to light a match and use it to set her on fire. Rouge then proceeded to die.

" _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!" Rouge screamed as death happened on her. She was dead now.

Sonic then found himself in his bed immediately after waking up.

"Man, that was a weird dream," he quietly said to himself.

He then continued to think about the dream.

"That thing that happened last night with Rogue and the illuminati was weirder though."


	3. The One With the Microwave

It was a Tuesday. The kind of Tuesday that was nice and also actually a Saturday. Birds were happening in the sky. The sky was happening in the birds. A bunch of people were in a house doing things. Said bunch of people consisted of fast guy, flying drug fox, four-headed dick guy, bat with arms and wings completely separate from each other somehow, boobgina, and someone's Sonic recolor OC. They were all just kind of sitting around and there and stuff. Also they had pizza bagels.

" _Dude_ , these pizza bagels are fucking great, man," Tails stated statedingly as he held one in his hands and looked at it.

"Tails, that's a fork," Sonic pointed out and stuff. "We finished the pizza bagels a half an hour ago."

"Huh..." Tails then began staring deep into the fork. "That explains why this bagel is so shitty."

"The bagels needed _something_ ," said Shadow quite suddenly. "And that something is... _THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES_! AND _MORE PEPPERONI_!"

"You're right!" declared Knuckles as he stood up and his hands became fists. "WE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THEIR BLOOD _WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE_!"

Sonic then sighed. "And now Shadow's getting everyone to yell things _again_."

"WE STILL HAVE THE CHANCE!" Shadow yelled dramatically as he jumped on the table. "WE JUST NEED... _MORE ENEMIES_!"

"Shadow, get off the table before someone commits murder or something," Rouge commanded in a bored, not very commanding voice. Also her name's Rouge now, because apparently that was her name all along. There was a name mixup that no one noticed until she read the birth certificates and stuff.

Shadow turned towards Rouge angrily. "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

"Just do it."

" _Fine_!" Shadow then grabbed a cup of water from the table and started sipping it all butthurtly and stuff.

"You mean we're not going to find enemies and put their blood on bagels?" Knuckles asked disappointedly.

"Shit dude, that sucks. This bagel could _really_ use some blood," Tails said as he licked the fork. "It's all cold now too..." He then got up and went off to the kitchen.

"You know what we should all do when he gets back from the kitchen?" Amy began, for she was alive again due to a wizard. " _Have an orgy_!"

"Not after what happened when we tried that the last time," Rouge replied. "I still can't get the mental image of Knuckles with that lamp shoved up his ass out of my head."

"Well it _seemed_ like a good a idea at the time!" Knuckles yelled as he thought back to how unexpectedly painful it was to shove a lamp up his own ass.

"A better idea would have been _unplugging it and removing the light bulb first_ ," Sonic commented annoyedly.

Knuckles frowned a bit. "You're never gonna let this go, are you?"

"Do you think I _wanted_ to have to drive you to the hospital at _two in the fucking morning_ so we could get my lamp out of your ass? And out of _all the things_ in my house that you could have shoved up your ass, _why the fuck did you pick the lamp_? Why not the broom? Brooms are cheaper to replace _and don't have glass in them_!" ranted Sonic with anger and hand gestures.

Amy began comforting Knuckles. "Awww, don't worry Knuckles, I still think it was really hot when the blood started leaking out of your anus!"

"And _I_ still think lubrication would have helped," Shadow said quietly while still kind of butthurt. Not nearly as butthurt as Knuckles was when that lamp was in his ass though.

As this stuff occurred, Tails was doing stuff in the kitchen. The fork he had was now on a paper plate with some cinnamon and butter on it, and he was about to microwave it.

" _STOP_!" screamed a sudden voice that was accompanied by time travel sounds.

There was now a guy standing in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen. His head was weird.

"...what the fuck?" Sonic said after several seconds of silently staring at the guy.

"GASP!" gasped Knuckles in surprise.

The weird head guy turned towards Tails. "I have come from the distant future with a very important warning! _Don't microwave that fork_!"

Tails stared at the weird head guy for a moment, and then said, " _dude_ , this guy _doesn't_ want me to reheat this pizza bagel."

"Yes, we know, he literally just said that five seconds ago," commented Rouge.

" _YOU_!" Shadow screamed all suddenly and stuff while pointing towards the weird head guy. "I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE!"

"The name's Silver, and I'm here to stop your future from getting..." he then put on a pair of sunglasses. "... _heated_."

"...okay then." Sonic went over to where Tails was and grabbed the plate with the fork. "Why the fuck were you going to microwave the fork? It's not even food with a fork left in it! It's _just a fork_!"

Tails shrugged. "I don't know man, it was getting cold."

Sonic stared annoyedly at him and thought of saying stuff, but then Rouge said a thing before he could. "So you went back in time just to save our microwave? Does it breaking cause some horrible future or something?"

"Oh _yeah_ , it caused this _sexy bunch of people_ to need to a new microwave." Silver then winked a wink that was directed towards literally everyone.

" _Sexy_?" asked Amy excitedly. "Ooh, are we gonna fuck then?"

"You bet your sweet ass we're gonna fuck!" he replied, but then remembered what he was here to do and serioused himself. "But not yet. Today is the day this microwave will be _destroyed_ , and I _must prevent that from happening_ with _constant vigilance_."

"You mean you're just gonna stare at us all day and make sure none of us break the microwave?" questioned Sonic.

Silver nodded. "Yes. Yes I am."

Sonic sighed, and Rouge kind of just shrugged. "Weirder things have happened," she said. "So what's the future like anyway?"

" _Literally every bad thing_ the environmentalists here said could happen happens," replied Silver kind of sadly. "Global warming, depleted natural resources, bees dying, other stuff..."

"...oh." Rouge was kind of bummed out now.

"Yeah. It fucking sucks. Don't vote republican."

" _Wait a minute_ ," began Sonic, "if the environment is severely damaged and the future is really shitty, then why did you go back in time to save _our microwave_ instead of _everything else_?"

"Well how the hell do you expect me to get millions of people to care about the environment by myself?" whispered Silver in a way that was extremely not whispering. "And what about the politicians that ruined everything? Am I supposed to just show up at the whitehouse at specific times and kill the president?"

It was at that point that Shadow got interested. "DID SOMEONE SAY... _KILL THE PRESIDENT_?"

"Oh god no," Sonic said, for he knew this could possibly not end well.

"That is exactly a thing that I just said. And I must say, I do _greatly_ enjoy staring at your ass," said Silver as he stared at Shadow's ass.

"Oh _yeah_? Well it's _mine_. And you can't have it unless you _use lube_!" Shadow then glanced over at Knuckles briefly and then stopped glancing at him. "Some people _don't use_ lube. They say they're _too cool_ for it! BUT YOU CAN NEVER BE _TOO COOL FOR SAFE SEX, BITCH_! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO _THINK YOU CAN_? _THEY END UP DEAD_!" He gestured towards Knuckles at the word 'dead'.

"But I'm not dead!" Knuckles protested.

"Not _yet_. But _you will be_."

"Are you warning us about the risks of not practicing safe sex, or threatening to murder Knuckles?" asked Rouge, "because I honestly can't tell which one it is."

" _Me neither_ ," answered Shadow.

They then noticed a sound. The sound of someone pressing microwave buttons. They all looked at the microwave and saw Tails pressing microwave buttons and trying to microwave popcorn.

" _DON'T TOUCH THAT MICROWAVE_!" screamed Silver. He then pushed Tails out of the way and removed the popcorn from the microwave.

"Dude, what do you have against the microwave?" Tails asked all upsetly.

"I have nothing against the microwave! I'm trying to save it from you to prevent its destruction!" Silver explained loudly.

"Come on man, I'm not gonna break the microwave," Tails prostated.

"You tried to microwave a _fork_! I _never_ trust _anyone_ who tries to _microwave a fork_!"

Sonic sighed. "Why don't I microwave the popcorn then? And maybe we could all just watch a movie together or something else that has nothing to do with the microwave."

So they did that. Sonic made a bunch of popcorn and then they all watched Sharknado on netflix. Silver had never seen or heard of it due to living in a shitty post-apocalyptic future. But now he had seen and heard of it. And everything was great.

But then part of the wall exploded. There was someone standing in that part of the wall. This someone looked like Sonic. Except it wasn't Sonic, because it was actually _a robot that looked like him_.

" _BEEP BOOP_ , _MOTHERFUCKERS_!" declared the robot that looked like Sonic.

"Okay, why the fuck is there a robot that looks like me?"

"BECAUSE _I MADE IT_!" yelled a voice. Everyone then proceeded to see who it was.

It was Robotguy. _He was alive once more_.

" _YOU_!" screamed Shadow as he pointed a gun at Robotguy. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE _DEAD_! BECAUSE I KILLED YOU, _BITCH_!"

"HA HA HAAAAA!" laughed Robotguy, "I WAS! BUT _I KNOW NECROMANCY_!"

Silver was very surprised and stuff. " _Oh my god_! You're Skeletonguy before he started using an army of skeletons! I've never seen you with actual skin before!"

Robotguy was also surprised now. "HAAAAA! GOOD TO KNOW DEATH ISN'T AN OBSTACLE FOR ME!"

"Dude, didn't you already know that since you came back to life or something?" Tails asked and stuff.

"...oh right. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN THOUGH! _NOW_..." he said, and then pulled out a remote thing. "ROBOT SONIC THING, _KILL THEM_! _VIOLENTLY_!"

Robot Sonic Thing nodded robotically. "Beep _boop_."

" _GASP_!" gasped Knuckles. "WHAT ARE WE GOING _TO_ DO ABOUT THIS?"

"The same thing we did _before_ ," Shadow said as he aimed his gun towards the robot. "We are going to _MURDER THE FUCK OUT OF THEM_!" He then began shooting at the robot.

It did nothing.

"WHAT!" yelled Shadow in surprisedness and anger.

Robotguy began to laugh again. "HA HA _HAAAAAAA_ HA! I MADE IT _BULLETPROOF_!"

" _OH YEAH_? WELL THEN HOW BULLETPROOF IS... _YOUR FACE_!" He then began shooting at Robotguy's face.

It also did nothing.

" _WHAT_!" Shadow yelled again with more surprisedness and more anger. " _IMPOSSIBLE_! WHAT KIND OF _FORCEFIELD_ ARE YOU _USING_ , ROBOTGUY?"

"IT IS... _BULLETPROOF GLASS_!" exclaimed Robotguy, who then began laughing more.

Shadow then gasped dramatically. "NO!"

"YES!"

" _NOOOO_!"

" _YES_!"

" _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!"

" _YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES_!"

"SHUT UP!" interrupted Sonic. Everything was silent for a moment. Then that silence was interrupted.

" _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!" noooooooed Knuckles, who wanted to join in on all the yelling.

"Weird how the robot that's supposed to kill us is just standing here while everyone yells at Robotguy," Rouge observed with words.

The robot then realized that it was supposed to be doing things. "Oh. Right. BEEP _BOOP_!"

" _FUCK_! WHAT DO WE DO?" Sonic yelled while trying to figure out what to do.

"Dude, what if we put the robot in the microwave, and then turned the microwave on, so the robot was like, microwaved?" suggested Tails.

" _GASP_!" Knuckles gasped with great dramaticness. "THE ROBOT WOULD _BE_ DESTROYED BY THE POWER _OF_ THE MICROWAVE! _PROBABLY_!"

"BUT _AT WHAT COST_?" Silver said with extreme quietness. "THE MICROWAVE WOULD BE _DESTROYED_ AS WELL! _I CANNOT ALLOW_ ITS LIFE TO COME TO AN _END_ , FOR THAT IS THE SOLE PURPOSE OF MY JOURNEY TO THIS PERIOD OF TIME!"

"BUT YOU SAVED THE MICROWAVE EARLIER! IT WAS _BECAUSE OF YOU_ THAT THE MICROWAVE IS HERE NOW, _AND CAN SAVE US FROM THIS ROBOT_!" Rouge speeched dramatically. "IT MAY BE DESTINED TO DIE, BUT AT LEAST BECAUSE OF YOU, _IT WON'T DIE IN VAIN_!"

Silver was very moved by Rouge's words. "...VERY WELL." He then turned to the microwave. "Microwave, do you accept your fate?"

The microwave nodded. "I do. I am sad that I must die, but at least I may die of a noble cause. Thank you, Silver. Thank you for giving my death meaning." The microwave then leaped off the counter at the robot that looked like Sonic, and exploded into a glorious explosion that brought a tragic end to the lives of both the microwave and the robot.

"...WELL _FUCK_!" Robotguy then started leaving. " _I'LL BE BACK SOMEDAY_! AND I WILL DO _SOMETHING_! _AND YOU WILL PROBABLY NOT LIVE THAT TIME_!" And then he was gone.

Silver walked over to the remains of the microwave. Tears began to softly erupt forth from his eyes. "Goodbye, microwave."

There was a moment of silence and mourning. That moment was then interrupted by Sonic.

"... _what the fuck just happened_?"

* * *

After the microwave's funeral, they all went back inside the house. Silver was now preparing to return to his time for now. There were many sad goodbyes and hopes that they'd see him again.

"Wait," Amy said upon realizing something. "We never had all the sex you said we'd have!"

Silver had completely forgotten about that. "...oh my god, you're right!"

"Wanna do that now?" she asked excitedly.

" _Totally_."

The two then began to have sex. And as the others watched, they all remembered how great that orgy was before Knuckles shoved that lamp up his ass. And so the little bit of sex turned into an orgy of great greatness and also great lacking in any trips to the emergency room this time.

And it was wonderful.


	4. The One Where Knuckles Does It Again

It was the middle of some minute, in the middle of some hour, in the middle of some day, in the middle of some week, in the middle of some month, in the middle of some year. Then again, a lot of minutes were in the middle of all that. But in the middle of said minute was all those people that previously happened in these things. Except Silver. He was busy in the middle of some other minute, many minutes ahead of this minute. But other than that guy, all those other people were in the middle of this one particular minute. Another thing that they would soon be in the middle of was an orgy.

They were doing orgies regularly now, for they were really awesome and stuff. Also Knuckles hadn't shoved any lamps up his ass since that time when he shoved a lamp up his ass, so they figured that probably wasn't going to be a problem anymore. So they were all getting ready and getting their orgy supplies out and moving some stuff that they didn't want to get messy from all the sex and stuff.

And then Tails finally showed up. He had a thing.

" _Dude_ ," he began. "You've gotta see this shit!" He then held out the thing. "What even _is_ this, man?"

It was a lava lamp. It was currently unplugged, but it had been on for a few hours immediately before so it was still doing stuff and at a temperature that would make holding it very uncomfortable.

Sonic sighed as he opened the box of dildos and stuff, for he knew this could somehow lead to something. He didn't know what, but he knew something would happen. "Tails, that's a lava lamp."

"It's just so amazing, man..." Tails began to tear up from the beauty of the colors.

"You should really put that down somewhere," Rouge commented as she placed another box of dildos on the floor, "holding a hot lava lamp for that long really can't feel good."

"But _dudes_ , these _colors_ are _so beautiful_..." replied Tails as his hands were painfully burned via holding a lava lamp that had only been unplugged for a few minutes.

So Rouge went and grabbed some oven mitts and put the lava lamp on a nearby table and plugged it in. "We should really have an intervention for his drug problem."

"Probably," said Sonic as he walked by with a third box of dildos.

It was at that moment that a bunch of time travel sounds began to occur and then stopped occurring. Silver was now in the room.

"SILVER!" Amy yelled, and then excitedly ran towards him all excitedly and stuff. "You showed up just in time for our orgy!"

Silver was mildly surprised. "You've been having orgies _without me_?"

"Well how the fuck were we supposed to invite you?" Sonic questioned. "You live in _the future_! How would we even contact you?"

"Oh yeah, about that," began Silver, "can I stay here for a while? The world's being taken over by aliens in the future, and I _really_ don't want to die."

Sonic sighed. " _Of course it is_. Sure, why not?"

"Great! I'll go get my things!"

"Put your stuff in another room, we're gonna have an orgy in this one," wordified Rouge as she brought in another box of dildos.

And then Silver went off back to the future to get his stuff. He then proceeded to come back and dump everything in the living room and then walk back to whatever room this stuff is happening in. Probably a bedroom or something. I should probably know what room this is happening in, since I'm the one writing it. Eh, let's just go with it being a bedroom.

And then Shadow walked in with a bunch of lube and condoms. " _YOU_!" he yelled all suddenly while pointing at Silver. "I _FORGOT YOUR NAME_!"

"The name's Silver, and I'm living with this sexy bunch of people now," he explained respondingly.

"Well, than you BETTER PRACTICE _SAFE SEX_!" Shadow then gave Silver some condoms. "Some people think they're _too cool for condoms_. BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT SYPHILIS _WANTS YOU TO THINK_! AND _NO ONE WANTS SYPHILIS_!"

"Oh yeah, syphilis fucking sucks," agreed Silver.

So eventually the room was full of boxes of dildos, and there was a bunch of lube and condoms and stuff. Everything was set up for an orgy. It was at that point that Knuckles finally showed up with pizza and cheese fries.

"Hey, I got the food you asked me to get!" he declared as he held the food and stuff.

A sigh happened from Sonic. "Knuckles, we didn't want _food_ , we wanted _paper towels_. You can't clean up cum with pizza!"

"Not with that attitude," commented Silver. He did like the idea of jizz pizza. _Jizza_.

"Oh." Things were silent for a few seconds. "Wait, we're having an orgy tonight?"

"We already talked about this _hours ago_ ," Sonic frustratedly said, "and now we don't have enough paper towels to clean everything!"

Rouge shrugged. "We can get the paper towels later. Let's just get started now."

And thus began the orgy.

It was a very orgyish orgy. Things were happening with dicks and whipped cream. Tails was licking Shadow's face and received some fisting. Except the licking wasn't sexual, Tails was just really high and decided to lick Shadow, and the fisting was forcefully directed at Tails' face. So then Tails went over to Sonic and Rouge, and the licking got a lot more sexual. Also there was buttsex too.

Knuckles stood in the middle of the room, observing all the sex. He wasn't entirely sure what to do.

'What do I do?' he thought to himself thoughtfully. 'Everyone else is already doing things! _I should be doing things_!'

He then noticed Shadow sitting in the corner, shoving his own personal dildo up his ass.

Knuckles suddenly found himself having an idea. 'I know! I'll shove something up my ass!' He began to look around the room to see if there was anything to shove up his ass. There was a bed and some other standard bedroom stuff, and a bunch of people having an orgy, and a couple dozen boxes of dildos and other sex supplies.

'IS THERE _NOTHING_ TO SHOVE UP MY ASS?' Knuckles was now panicking, for he hadn't found anything to shove up his ass. But then he noticed a thing. The one source of light in the room.

The lava lamp.

Knuckles began to ponder the pros and cons of the idea he had just gotten. 'It _is_ better shaped for this than that lamp...' He then went to grab some lube.

As this happened, everyone continued to orgiate everywhere. They were switching around who was sexificating with who, and just having a good time in general. Such a good time that they didn't notice that the room's one light source was being moved.

They did, however, notice the horrific screaming that occurred shortly after. Upon stopping their orgy to see what happened, they saw Knuckles just standing there with a facial expression of intense pain, with part of the lava lamp and some lava lamp fluids and glass and stuff just sitting on the floor below him. Everyone immediately figured out what happened.

Everything was silent for a few silent moments before said silence was brokenly loudly and stuff by Sonic. "... _GODDAMNIT KNUCKLES_!"

* * *

Knuckles was now in a hospital bed. It was like midnight or something, which is probably not the best time to have to drive someone to the hospital. The hospital people let the others visit him, so they were showing up now.

"Hey Knuckles, how are you feeling?" asked Rouge as she walked in the room.

"My ass feels like its on fire," he replied painedly and with sadness.

"Then maybe you shouldn't have _shoved a fucking lava lamp in it_ ," Sonic said obviously. "Seriously, what the fuck were you _thinking_? You _remember_ what happened with the lamp! Why would you think a _lava lamp_ would be any better?"

"Well it looked like it was better shaped for it!" protested Knuckles.

Sonic's hands begun to magically smush themselves against his face. "Knuckles, I swear to fucking god..."

"Hey dude, you owe me a new lamp, man," Tails stated pointing outingly, for he was sad that his lava lamp was destroyed. It was a really nice lava lamp.

"I'm afraid he won't be buying any lamps anytime soon," said a sudden voice as a doctor walked in. " _Greetings_! I am _Dr. Trustworthy_!"

"Hmmmmmm," hmmmed Shadow in a way that implied he thought stuff was suspicious.

"Oh wow, an actual licensed doctor!" Silver said with excitement and stuff. "I've never seen one of these in my time."

"How's he going to be?" asked Rouge with concern.

"He is _going to die_!" exclaimed the doctor cheerfully. "Ha haaa haa! HA HA HA HA HAA! _HAAAAAAA HAA HAAAA_!"

"Oh god no," Sonic quietly said to himself a bit annoyedly.

"What?" asked Knuckles with surprise.

" _YES_! YOU WILL _DIE_!" Dr. Trustworthy then calmed down a bit. "Unless we preform surgery. Then he'll live. _OR WILL HE_?" And then he left the room while laughing madly.

Everyone was rather quiet. Then Knuckles said a thing. "Wow, good thing I have a doctor to help me not die! His name is even Trustworthy too!"

"I don't think he's a doctor," Shadow suddenly began to declare. "That guy is... A _MURDERER_!"

"Sounds about right," Rouge agreed all agreeingly. "We should probably get a different doctor."

So they went to go find a receptionist person thing.

Rouge walked over the receptionist person they found. "Hey, so we're not really comfortable with the doctor our friend got, can we get a new doctor?"

"Nah, we don't have any more doctors," the receptionist replied, "they all mysteriously disappeared shortly after we hired Dr. Trustworthy."

"Wait what?" Rouge was now significantly more concerned about this. "How many patients have died under his care?"

" _All of them_. He said he did what he could, but they just _couldn't be saved_. Like that one guy who died from the flu, and the other one whose life tragically ended when went to get their kid vaccinated. And the kid too..." She shook her head sadly. "He just _couldn't do enough_ to save them."

Rouge decided to walk away now.

"Holy fuck, is _this_ what the actual trained doctors here are like?" Silver asked with an equal amount of concern.

"This isn't a trained doctor, this is... _A TRAINED KILLER_!" declared Shadow as his fists suddenly happened.

" _Dude_ , we should really do something about this guy," said Tails.

Sonic sighed. "Well, it's not like anyone else will do anything about this."

"Oh!" Rouge then went back to the receptionist. "Another question, what's Dr. Trustworthy's full name?"

"His name is Vear E. Trustworthy," she answered. "Really makes you want to trust him with your life, doesn't it? He's such a reliable doctor."

" _Sure_." And then Rouge went back over to the others and they began to plan out stuff.

* * *

It was the next morning. They'd all fallen asleep in the waiting room last night. They did some research and compiled a bunch of stuff they had learned about Dr. Trustworthy.

They had found no evidence of Dr. Trustworthy being a thing for more than a few weeks. He just showed up one day and started being a doctor.

But they were going to stop said being-a-doctorness.

Once more, Rouge went over to the receptionist. "Hey, do you know where Dr. Trustworthy is right now?"

The receptionist nodded. "Yeah, he's operating on your friend right now."

"... _fuck_." Rouge then walked away and sat down with a mixture of sadness and frustration. "We really should have tried to confront him earlier."

" _Dude_ , it would suck if Knuckles died," Tails said all sadly and stuff, "he still owes me a new lava lamp. _And_ five bucks."

"You do realize we can just hire a necromancer, right?" Sonic asked.

"Oh yeah. Man, I was really worried I wouldn't get that five bucks back."

It was at that point that the doctor returned from the surgery. He was stained with blood and clutched a heart in his hand.

"I have some _bad news_!" he exclaimed happily.

There was a bit of sighing and disappointment from everyone, as well as horrified screaming from Amy. " _NOOOOOOOOOO_! _KNUUUUUUUUUUCKLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES_!" She then began sobbing in the most dramatic way possible. "YOUR DICK WAS SO _WEIRD_! _IT TURNED ME ON SO MUCH_!"

"You killed him on purpose!" declared Silver. "The same thing you did with all your patients! _And_ the other doctors!"

Dr. Trustworthy began to laugh maniacally. "You cannot prove that! I AM _DR. TRUSTWORTHY_! I AM VERY _TRUSTWORTHY_!"

"Dr. _Trustworthy_?" Shadow began. "More like Dr. ABOUT TO BE KICKED IN THE HEAD, _BITCH_!" And then Shadow leaped at him dramatically and did a flip and kicked Dr. Trustworthy in the head.

The doctor guy was now in pain. "AUUGH! _MY HEAD_! IT'S BEEN _KICKED_!"

"NOW, LET'S SEE WHO YOU _REALLY_ ARE!" And then Silver tore off Dr. Trustworthy's face. Except it wasn't a face, it was a mask. There was, however, an actual face under where the mask was. And said face belonged to Robotguy. Everyone was surprised. "Oh wow, it's Skeletonguy before he started using skeletons!"

" _NOOOOOOOO_!" Robotguy screamed. "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE SUSPICIOUS OF ME!"

"Then maybe you shouldn't act so suspicious," Sonic said in response.

" _OH MY GOD_!" yelled the receptionist. "Dr. Trustworthy was this guy the whole time?"

Tails nodded confirmingly. "Yeah dude, he's been doctoring like that so he could, like, kill a bunch of people or whatever."

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" he declared in response.

"...did you _really_ just say the meddling kids thing?" Sonic asked in disbelief. "You've just been caught _pretending to be a doctor so you could kill people_ , and you almost _immediately_ decide to quote Scooby Doo?"

"Yes. Yes I did. BECAUSE IT IS _TRUE_! NO ONE SUSPECTED _A THING_ UNTIL _YOU CAME ALONG_!" Robotguy was then dragged away by hospital security people.

"Well, _that_ happened," said Rouge after no one said anything for a moment. "At least Knuckles shoving a lava lamp up his ass inadvertently helped this hospital."

So then they got Knuckles' body and went off to find a necromancer.

* * *

After hiring someone to bring Knuckles back to life, they were all walking home and stuff.

"Wow, I helped help a hospital?" Knuckles was really happy that his actions led to good stuff. Also he was happy that he stopped being dead.

"All you did was shove a lava lamp up your ass," Sonic replied in the kind of tone that suggested he was still annoyed at Knuckles.

"Well, _technically_ we wouldn't have been at the hospital if he hadn't done that," Rouge pointed out. "Still though, stop shoving lamps up your ass. It's put you in the hospital twice now."

"Still owe me a replacement one too, dude," Tails also pointed out. He really wanted a new lava lamp.

"Another thing you shouldn't attempt to shove up your ass is a homemade vibrator made out of old metal and a car battery," added Silver inputtingly.

"Ooh, that sounds like it's really fun to use!" bageled Amy with stuffness.

Silver's head began to move back and forth in a way that suggested no or something. "Yeah, no, it almost killed me."

And then they reached the house place. Upon opening the door, they found someone sitting on the couch. She looked kind of like an espeon, and next to her were a few notebooks and a DS with a car battery taped to it.

She looked over to them when they entered the house. "Silver! There you are! I have made a strange discovery!"

"Wow, I have no idea who you are!" yelled Knuckles.

Sonic also had no idea who this person was. "Who the fuck are you?"

"This is Blaze," answered Silver, "I brought her with me from the future because I didn't want her to die."

"Oh."

"Yes, hello, _anyway_!" Blaze then turned towards Silver seriously and held out the DS. It had a copy of Pokemon Platinum in it, and it showed stuff. "Look at this Roselia I caught earlier! The colors are all _wrong_ and it _sparkles in battle_! _What could this mean_?"

" _Dude_! It's a _shiny_!" Tails said all excitedly.

Blaze was surprised at this. "A what?"

"A shiny. It's when the colors are different. They're really rare," explained Sonic.

"How do you people know these things? _WHERE_ DID YOU GET THIS INFORMATION?" demanded Blaze with a bunch of loudness.

"The internet. It's really easy to find this stuff online," he continued to explain.

"There's an easily accessible source of this information here?" She was now getting really annoyed. "I have had to spend _years_ researching this game and cataloging everything, and I _still_ have large gaps of unknown information! And you're telling me that people of this time can just find it _easily and effortlessly_?"

"Well, yeah," Sonic answered.

"Wait, you spent years playing this one game and writing everything down?" Rouge asked all suddenly. "You didn't even have more than one Pokemon game to play?"

"There's _more_ than just this one?" Blaze also asked in a more respondingly way. Rouge nodded in response and Blaze was all surprised. "The past is _strange_."

" _And_ it's not being destroyed by aliens!" Silver suddenly declared.

So then they all ate the pizza and cheese fries Knuckles brought home the night before, and everyone was happy and alive. Although Sonic was less happy later on because he realized that they never got paper towels and the bedroom was still all messy and stuff from the orgy. But at least no one was dead other than all the people Robotguy killed.


	5. Sports Tape Interlude: TVs and Spiders

Nothing was truly real. Reality was a complex lie. Time was meaningless. The taste of cake was an illusion. Everything was just a falsehood crafted by beings no one could comprehend, for purposes no one would ever know.

But who even cares about all that. What matters here is that one bunch of people. That bunch. With the people. But not that bunch. This is a different bunch. And two of that bunch were currently sitting around their house. They were watching a movie about a snakes and alligators. It was called Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

"Dude, this is the most _boring_ porn I've ever seen," said Tails as he masturbated kind of boredly. This wasn't Tails though. This was Tails. Completely different from Tails.

Sonic stared at him. "...Tails, this isn't porn." Also this Sonic was also not actually Sonic. This was actually Armwraps McPuberty, also known as Sonic.

"Then why am I jacking off to it?" argued Tails as he continued to milk his cow. He then took the cow back outside and went back to masturbating.

Sonic then sighed and started focusing on the movie again.

And then someone burst in. She was like some kind of badger or something like that. Unless she was actually some kind of alien from some kind of elsewhere sent to Earth for mysterious purposes of mysterious mysteriousness. But that seemed extremely unlikely.

"FELLOW BEINGS OF THIS PLANET, _OF WHICH I AM ALSO FROM_! I HAVE MADE A _DISCOVERY_!" she exclaimed with the loudness of someone who was rather loud and also _probably not_ an alien.

There was a sigh that happened out of Sonic's mouth. Words immediately followed. "What is it _this time_?"

" _THIS_!" declared Sticks as she held out a rake dramatically. " _WHAT_ IS THIS _ABSURD EARTH DEVICE_?"

"That's a rake, dude," Tails said while casually continuing to masturbate. "You use it to rake leaves or something."

"Ohhh..." she said less loudly and more in response before looking down at the rake. " _FASCINATING_! I, _A NORMAL CITIZEN OF THIS PLANET_ , AM GREATLY FASCINATED BY YOUR _SIMPLE EARTH TECHNOLOGY_!"

"...sure," said Sonic after a brief moment of silence. "So do you want to watch a movie with us or something?"

"Your Earth entertainment videos _amuse me_. I _ENJOY_ AMUSEMENT!" Sticks then sat down on the couch next to Sonic and Tails and began watching the movie.

It was at that moment that the TV exploded.

"Goddamnit..." Sonic's hand was now pressing up against his face in a frustrated way. "This is the tenth time this month! What the fuck is wrong with our TVs?"

"I SUSPECT _GOVERNMENT SABOTAGE_!" yelled Sticks as she clenched her fists with anger. "THEY ARE _SUSPICIOUS_ OF ME! THEY ARE _SUSPICIOUS OF MY NORMALNESS_! I AM _NOT_ FROM ANOTHER WORLD, _GOVERNMENT_!"

"The government's here?" Tails was now very concerned. "Fuck, they might find my weed garden!"

"Then maybe you should _stop growing weed in my house_!" Sonic responded with annoyance.

"Dude, this is my house too," applianced Tails.

Sonic looked at Tails in a way that was angry. "Yes, and if you get caught, then _I could get arrested too_! I don't want to end up in _jail_ just because you won't quit pot!"

"Man, you need to calm down." Tails then gestured towards his garden. "You should smoke some of this to relax or whatever."

Sonic continued to silently angerize at Tails. The silence suddenly was a lot less silent. "TAILS THAT IS _EXACTLY_ WHAT I DO _NOT_ -" He then stopped and sighed. "You know what? I'm just going to go buy a new TV. Maybe _this one_ won't blow up."

"REPLACING IT IS _FUTILE_!" screamed Sticks as he walked out the door. "THIS PLANET'S GOVERNMENT WILL CONTINUE THEIR SABOTAGE OF YOUR EARTH ENTERTAINMENT DEVICES _UNTIL THEY ARE STOPPED_!"

* * *

Sonic was looking at TVs to buy in the TV store. There were no TVs. The store was empty. The store was heavily damaged. The store had burned down yesterday. The store was closed. Why was he in the TV store when it was closed and had been burned down.

"For the love of..." It was at that point that Sonic noticed that Knuckles was also in the destroyed remains of the TV store. Not the Knuckles you're thinking of though. This is another Knuckles. The Knuckles with the largerness and the lack of inexplicable gliding abilities.

Knuckles also noticed Sonic's being-thereness. "Oh, hey Sonic! Are you here to take the broken lightbulbs too?"

"...no?" Sonic replied questioningly. "Why the fuck do you even want broken lightbulbs anyway?"

"So I can use them. Why would I want lightbulbs that _aren't_ broken?" And then Knuckles left while carrying a bunch of broken lightbulbs and bits of glass in his arms, which were currently bleeding due to the broken glass painfully lodging itself into his flesh.

Sonic sighed as he left the building. "Well that didn't help."

And then Amy showed up. But once again, this wasn't Amy. This was Amy. Just like the others, she was a completely different yet still not that different Amy.

"Oh, hey Amy," he greeted greetingly. "Hey, do you happen to have any spare TVs lying around?"

"Nope, but I _do_ have some extra _vibrators_ lying around! They're used, but still in great condition!" she declared happily. "Oooh, and I have one with me right now, too!" Amy then pulled out a vibrator that was still on and held it out. "Here you go!"

Sonic just stared a surprised stare at the vibrating vibrator in Amy's hands. "...where did you pull that out of?"

"My vagina!" she happily proclaimed.

" _Yeah_... that's _not_ what I need," Sonic said in a voice that suggested a bit of weirded-outness. "Why do you even _have_ that? Aren't you twelve or something?"

"You can never be too young to shove things up your vagina!" Amy said as she put the vibrator back.

"... _yeah_ , I'm just gonna... get back to finding a TV." And then Sonic whooshed off all weirded-outly and stuff.

* * *

Every single TV in the entire town place had exploded. And thus, Sonic could not find one that hadn't exploded. But it was okay because he had Netflix and he could watch stuff on a computer with that. And that was what was what was what was what was what was what was what was what was what was what was what he dididiii _diddiddd_ _ **didddddiDIDIDIDD**_.

" _Dude_!" yelled the sudden voice of Tails as the sudden mass of Tails' bones and flesh entered the room. "I've been looking at all our broken TVs, and they're like, full of spiders."

"What?" whated Sonic, for this was surprising.

Tails nodded noddingly. "Yeah man, there's just a shitload of dead spiders in them."

Sonic made a facial expression that would suggest confusion. "Why the fuck are spiders blowing up our TVs?"

"I THEORIZE THAT THEY ARE _EXPERIMENTAL GOVERNMENT SPIDERS_!" Sticks suddenly yelled, for she hadn't left while Sonic was away. "THEY ARE CREATING THEM TO _WEAKEN OUR DEFENSES AND CAPTURE ME_!"

Sonic sighed. " _Sure_. Anywa-"

"VIVISECTION WILL FIND _NOTHING_ , GOVERMENT! MY ORGANS ARE THOSE OF A _NORMAL RESIDENT OF THIS WORLD_! I AM HIDING _NOTHING_!" interrupted Sticks as her hands aggressively clenched into fists so hard that they looped around into not being clenched into fists.

" _Anyway_ ," Sonic rebegan to say, "...fuck, I forgot to think of something to say after that anyway."

It was at that moment that an exploded TV happened through the wall and at the floor. And then it exploded again.

"HAHA _HAAAAAAA_!" laughed a laugh that was louder than it would have been if there wasn't a hole in the wall, since the laugh came from outside and stuff. "NOW IS THE TIME... FOR _KILLING YOU_!"

Yet again there was a sigh crawling out of Sonic's face. "... _goddamnit,_ not _again_."

Robotguy continued to laugh until he stopped laughing. "YOU _DESTROYED MY TV_ WITH YOUR _SPIDERS_! SO NOW I WILL DESTROY _YOUR TV_! AND THEN _KILL YOU_! _WITH ROBOTS_!"

"Spiders broke our TV too, bro," Tails detailed with explantioningy words that were similar to swords. They weren't actually similar to swords though.

"Oh." Robotguy was disappointed. "WELL, EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T DESTROY MY TV, I WILL STILL _DESTROY YOU_! _WITH ROBOTS_!" And then there were a bunch of the robots that always show up and try to murder everyone. Completely lacking in any upgrades or modifications or anything different from the ones that were previously destroyed. It was absolutely terrifying for the protagonist people except for the part where they immediately murdered the fuck out of the robots.

"...FUCK! WHY DO MY ROBOTS _NEVER_ KILL YOU?" yelled Robotguy upsetly.

"Maybe it's because _they all suck_ and _you never upgrade them_?" suggested Sonic boredly.

" _HAA_!" Robotguy haa!ed. "I MAY NOT HAVE UPGRADED _THOSE_ , BUT I HAVE UPGRADED _THIS_!" And then a robot showed up. It was all big and dangerous looking and they had probably already destroyed it over and over again a bunch.

"Oh shit!" declared Tails in horror.

"YOUR UPGRADES DO NOT BRING ME FEAR!" screamed Sticks dramatically. "I HAVE BATTLED BEINGS FROM WORLDS OF _EXTREME DANGEROUSNESS_! FROM REALITIES THAT WOULD BRING FORTH _MADNESS_ INTO THE MINDS OF THOSE FROM THIS ONE! _I HAVE DEFEATED THEM ALL_! ...I AM A PERFECTLY NORMAL RESIDENT OF THIS WORLD!"

Sonic was actually a little concerned about this. But then he stopped being particularly concerned. "Well... honestly we'll probably still beat it. I mean, we're the protagonists, so..."

"OH _REALLY_?" Robotguy then laughed again. "YOU REALLY THINK YOUR PROTAGONISTNESS CAN OUT-DESTROY... _THIS SWEET-AS-FUCK PAINT JOB_?"

Everyone then noticed that that robot's paint job looked really nice. And the paint was higher quality too.

Sonic's face was now smushed against both his hands very smushedly. "...you upgraded the _paint_. Not the _weapons_. Not the _defenses_. The _paint_."

Robotguy nodded. "Yes. _Yes I did_. AND THIS UPGRADE IS THE UPGRADE THAT WILL SURELY _BRING FORTH YOUR DEATH_!"

"HOW WOULD THAT EVEN _WORK_?" Sonic screamed due to the terrifyingness of how well painted the robot was.

Tails shrugged. "I don't know dude, but that is a fucking sweet paint job."

"I HAVE SEEN WORLDS WHERE BEINGS _PAINT TO THE DEATH_!" Sticks loudly stated. "I HAVE SEEN _MANY_ PAINT JOBS BETTER THAN THIS!"

"Hey guys!" said a voice all suddenly. Knuckles was there and Amy was also with him. Tiny little blood-covered bits of lightbulb were falling out of Knuckles' ass. "Do you have any band-aids?"

Amy then noticed the robot. "Oh wow, that robot looks really well painted! I would _definitely_ fuck that robot!"

"Huh, that _is_ a _nice_ paint job." It then occurred to Knuckles that that was a robot and how Robotguy was also there and stuff. "Oh, Robotguy's here?"

"YES I AM!" answered Robotguy, "AND NOW... _YOU WILL DIE_!" The robot then began to move.

"Oh, so we're finally actually fighting it now?" said Sonic, who was rather bored and stuff.

And thus began the fancy battle between the bunch of people covered in sports tape and the giant robot.

It was very short because the giant robot died rather quickly.

"Wow, we killed that robot so hard it didn't even do anything!" Knuckles proclaimed excitedly.

" _Well fuck_!" yelled Robotguy in frustration. "Maybe I _should_ have spent some of the budget on fixing its weapons instead of just the paint..."

Sonic stared at him in the way that would suggest _why_. "...you didn't even give it _working weapons_? You just sent it out here and expected it to kill us with _nothing but a really nice paint job_?"

Robotguy glared with anger and not happiness. "IT MADE SENSE IN _THEORY_!"

"Dude, if it's any consolation, that robot looked _real nice_ ," Tails said sympathetically.

"Yeah, if that robot wasn't broken, I'd be having sex with it right now!" Amy said all happily and stuff while Sonic glanced his eyes in her direction all weirded-outly.

"Robots you can fuck..." Robotguy thought about this idea for a moment. " _Yes_... _YES_! _THAT_ IS WHAT MY ROBOTS ARE MISSING! _THAT_ WILL BE THE UPGRADE THAT WILL _BRING FORTH YOUR DEATH_! _AND_ I WON'T NEED TO PAY FOR PROSTITUTES NOW EITHER!" And then he left so he could start shoving fully functional genitals on his robots.

And then the five kind of just stood there just outside Sonic and Tails' house in the middle of a bunch of pieces of broken robots. And man, some of those pieces were really well painted.

"Well that resolved _nothing_ ," commented Sonic after a few seconds of silence.

Sticks nodded with fury in response. "THE GOVERNMENT'S _EXPERIMENTAL SPIDER RESEARCH_ HAS _NOT YET BEEN STOPPED_!"

" _GASP_!" gasped Knuckles gaspingly, "THE GOVERNMENT IS _RESEARCHING SPIDERS_?"

" _YES_!" she confirmed. "AND THEY ARE USING THAT RESEARCH TO _DESTROY THE ENTERTAINMENT MACHINES OF THIS PLANET_!"

Knuckles was immediately horrified. " _NOOOOOO_! NOT OUR ENTERTAINMENT MACHINES!"

"Dude, we gotta stop them!" declared Tails, for he was also horrified even though he was there when Sticks yelled that stuff earlier.

"Heh heh _heeeeeeeeeeh_..." hehed a mysterious voice hidden in the jungley area nearby. "That... will never happen! _Heh heh heh_!"

"Oh shit, who is that guy?" questioned Tails questioningly.

The mystery voice person continued to laugh. "I am _the one_... _WHO LEADS THE SPIDERS_!"

"Okay who the fuck even are you?" Sonic also asked, for he wanted to know the answer to the question that he asked, which was the entire point of the question being asked.

"I have lived in my cave for _years_ , _consuming the spiders_... and eventually _THEY CONSUMED ME_!" the voice then laughed again. "I am the _master of the spiders_... I am the bringer of _spiders_ , _ellipses_ , and _statistical errors_... I am... _SPIDERS GEORG_!"

" _GASP_!" Knuckles gasped in terror.

" _OH SHIT_!" yelled Tails as fear filled his flesh.

" _OH MY GOD_!" screamed Amy. Man, this is like the first time Amy's been a part of any of the surprised yelling.

"...oh." Sticks was just kind of relieved. "WELL, CLEARLY THE GOVERNMENT IS _STILL_ UNAWARE OF HOW VERY _NORMAL_ I AM! _THIS IS GOOD_!"

Sonic once again kind of just stared confusedly for a moment. "... _what_."

"Heh heh heh..." Spiders Georg continued to laugh as he walked out of the hiddenness of the jungley stuff and into the less hiddenness. " _No one_ ever survives an encounter with me... and _neither will you_! HEH HEEEH HEEEEEHEH!"

Sonic then whooshed at him. There was a scream and stuff.

"AAAAHGHGHSBHJSSAAAAAHGGGGGGGGG!" screamed Spiders Georg. "BEING ATTACKED! _MY ONE WEAKNESS_! _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!"

And then Spiders Georg was immediately not alive. The spiders were surprised.

"You have _killed_ our leader," the spiders stated in a monotone voice of spiderness, "you have claimed the title... of _The King of Spiders_!"

"Wait _what_?" Sonic asked in worriedness. "Yeah, _no_ , I'd _really_ rather no- _OH GOD_..." The spiders then started crawling all over him. And inside him. And inside all his internal organs. He could feel every spider crawling all over everywhere on him and in him and it was extremely weird and unpleasant.

"Dude, you're the king of spiders now?" said Tails all excitedly. "That is fucking sweet, man!"

Sonic said absolutely nothing in response because _man_ , he was _not_ having a particularly fun time.

And so the TVs stopped exploding and everyone went on with their lives. Except Sonic was still stuck with being the king of spiders and was really hard to go on with your life as normal when there are thousands of spiders covering every surface of your body. And thus, things kind of really sucked for him at the moment.

The end.


	6. The One With the Outdoor Mall

Many years ago in some kind of distant past, something happened. A lot happened, actually. Most of it was completely unrelated to the current bunch of stuff that was happening. Except for every single happening that resulted in an outdoor mall happening. Those were extremely related. Except for the ones that weren't, which was all of them. Except for one of them. The events that occurred at some point in some place that resulted in one specific outdoor mall were the only events of the past that had any importance or meaning.

And eventually there was some kind of not the distant past. Instead it was some kind of distant present. And there were three people standing somewhere in an outdoor mall of extreme relevance.

"Holy fuck this is a lot of people who aren't dead!" Silver declared, for the mall had a lot of people and a large amount of them were very alive.

"Yeah, there's a lot of those around here," Rouge said in a respondingy way.

"Okay, but _what if_ they _were_ dead," said Blaze, "and this entire place was nothing more than smouldering rubble and burned corpses?"

Rouge just stared at her for a moment. "... _no_."

"Well, aren't _you_ quite a killjoy," Blaze stated with some kind of unhappiness of some kind.

"Relax Blaze, there's still ways to have fun without murder," said Silver all supportingy or motivationally or encouragingy or some kind of word kind of vaguely like all that that I can't remember right now. I should probably look up the word I'm thinking of at some point. "Imagine: a _huge-as-fuck orgy_. Right _here_. Right _now_."

There was a sigh that violently burst forth from Rouge's face. "Guys, can we _not_ get arrested today?"

"Pfff, _arrested_?" Silver's face made an expression that suggested that the idea of him getting arrested was ridiculous. "How will the police arrest me... when _I'm already banging them_?"

It was at that moment that Rouge noticed the multiple police officers that were currently having sex with Silver. Blaze also noticed but she didn't really care. "...well okay then I guess that's happening now," said Rouge after a moment of not saying that.

And then they all went into outdoor mall's Walmart while Silver casually continued to have sex with multiple police officers. People were kind of concerned about that, but they couldn't call the police due to the fact that the police were a major part of the sexing that was happening so that was just a thing that they couldn't stop.

"Pah!" declared some random old guy in the place. "I bet you aren't even _married_ to any of those officers!"

Silver's face angled itself towards the guy and his eyes directed themselves at him. "Married? The only one I'm married to... _is premarital sex_."

" _GASP_!" gasped the old guy in extreme horror before fainting dramatically while Silver enthusiastically 69ed with one of the police officers on the floor in the middle of a Walmart.

Rouge just kind of slowly turned towards Blaze. "So... anything you want to buy?"

Blaze stared at the old guy on the floor all unconscious and stuff. "How much would this man cost?"

"...Blaze, the customers aren't for sale."

"Good, this simplifies things," said Blaze as she grabbed the old guy via the magic of hands and grabbing.

Rouge then decided to intervene and also take her to the game sectiony place thing of games and she showed Blaze a bunch of pokemon stuff and she bought the stuff because entertainmentiness and she also got that one mystery dungeon thing that was explorers of sky because it's also fun and nice and not gates to infinity because fuck gates to infinity and also because Blaze didn't have a 3DS yet. Also Silver bought a vibrator.

And then everyone left the Walmart and the police officers stopped having sex with Silver just after that, since they had jobs and stuff and you can't just have sex all day. Unless that is your job. In that case it's probably a good idea to have a bunch of sex. You should also be careful of STDs though. Remember kids, STDs suck and no one wants them. Unless you have like some kind of weird STD fetish. But I don't recommend acting on that due to the fact that it's a terrible idea and also a really unfortunate fetish to have.

Anyway, everyone was outside. Then they were inside. Inside _a frozen yogurt place_.

"This is quite a nice desert," said Blaze as she looked at a really neat picture of a desert that was hung on the wall of the place. "The yogurt is good too. Seems like it's missing _something_ though..."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Silver responsively stated. "This coconut is nice, but a _better_ flavor would be..." He put on a pair of sunglasses. "... _penis colada_."

It was at that moment that Blaze noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Something _horrible_. She then immediately followed the something into the bathroom.

Horrific screaming was suddenly happening from the bathroom.

Rouge was immediately extremely concerned and she was kind of just staring at the entrance to the bathroom.

Blaze then happened out of the bathroom before grabbing her frozen yogurt and happening back into the bathroom before anything could be said. And then she came back again. The yogurt was covered in blood.

"Blaze, _what the fuck did you just do_?" asked Rouge very suddenly and quickly.

"It was necessary," Blaze said all simply and stuff. "He needed to die, and this yogurt needed his blood."

Rouge immediately went over to the bathroom for investigationiness. She then came back quite relieved. " _Oh thank god_ , it was only some disgusting clown..."

An amazed gasp happened from Silver. "You _killed a disgusting clown_?" And then he also went off to the bathroom to stare at disgusting clown corpse. More loudness happened from the bathroom. " _HOLY FUCK_! HE _IS_ DEAD!"

"Did someone just say the clown is dead?" asked some random person who had suddenly burst through the doors of the frozen yogurt place.

"Yeah, Blaze just killed him!" declared Silver as he emerged from the bathroom and gestured towards Blaze.

"So it _is_ true!" The random person then unburst through the doors. " _EVERYONE_! THAT HORRIBLE CLOWN HAS AT LAST BEEN _SLAIN_!"

A large crowd began to cheer excitedly at this news. People were now rushing into the frozen yogurt place so they could see the corpse and take selfies with it while they had the chance. Also people were throwing a big sudden party too.

After a moment of watching all this happen, Rouge shrugged and joined in on the celebratory celebrationing. It was a really nice celebrationy party thing. There was a bunch of frozen yogurt due to part of it happening in a frozen yogurt place.

And everything was nice.

"Hmmm, this will certainly increase the property value quite a bit," said some kind of rich guy who was standing near Rouge and also Blaze and Silver. "Good thing I purchased this property just before this happened."

"Wait, the frozen yogurt place or the entire mall?" Rouge questionated at the guy, for she wanted the answer to it.

The guy then laughed. "Pffff, _mall_. I'd rather call it... _my new future mansion_!"

A feeling of surprise immediately happened. "Wait _WHAT_?"

The rich guy felt inexplicably extremely personally offended by that. "DID YOU JUST FUCKING RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, _PEASANT_? DO YOU EVEN _KNOW WHO I AM_? I AM _BIG THE MOTHERFUCKING CAT_! I AM _THE RICHEST FISHERMAN IN THE WORLD_! I CAN PAY PEOPLE TO TAKE YOUR _ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY_ , HOLD THEM FOR RANSOM, AND BRIBE THE COPS INTO DOING _NOTHING_! _ALL WITH ONE GODDAMN PHONE CALL_!"

"...okay then, but why a mansion?" questioned Rouge after a moment of nervous staring. "Wouldn't it be more profitable to just run the mall?"

"But I don't _want_ to run a mall, I want _another mansion_! Do you think I want to have live with just _six_ mansions? I want _seven_! _SEVEN MANSIONS_!" Big then walked away and went over and also into to a limo parked nearby. " _FROGGY_! DRIVE ME TO MANSION ONE!"

And so the small, nonanthropomorphic frog in the driver's seat began to drive away somehow. The limo was then immediately parked outside a mansion right across the street from the mall.

Everything was silent for a moment. Except for the loud party noises that were happening. Because those were still very happening all over the mall currently. Eventually the not-silence was broken by Rouge.

"Man, what an asshole!" she declared. But then there was an idea and she turned towards Silver and Blaze. "...hey, how into robbing and killing someone would you guys be?"

" _Very_ ," replied Blaze with a bunch of interest.

Silver was less interested than Blaze, but still kind of interesting "Could be interesting."

"Good, because I'm _not letting him buy this mall_! We buy a lot of things from here, and I will not let some rich guy take this from poor people like us!" Rouge speeched dramatically.

"Enough income for eight mostly unemployed people to comfortably live in a house together counts as poor?" Blaze asked in a way that was also a bit pointing-outish.

Rouge's face did a thing that would suggest her thoughts were somewhere in the general area of '...oh yeah.' "...look, do you wanna kill a guy or not?"

That was what all of them wanted to do. And thus, that was what would be done.

* * *

The three stood inside the mansion. Everything was silent. Then it stopped being silent as a result of Rouge.

"... _what the fuck_?"

Everything was wet. Everything was water-damaged. Everything was flooded.

There were seven couches arranged into a pile on the floor. There were seven chairs arranged into a pile on the floor. There were seven tables arranged into a pile on the floor. There were seven doll heads arranged into a pile on the floor. There were seven lamps arranged into a pile on the floor. There were seven shelves arranged into a pile on the floor. There were seven mirrors arranged into a pile on the floor.

There were seven piles arranged into a circle on the floor.

None of them needed to say anything else, for none of them really had much to say that would add anything.

The walls of the hallway leading out of the room had seven paintings of something. _Something_. Something no one understood, as if it were some kind of angsty teenager going through an emo phase, and the angsty kid was all like 'ugh, _whatever_ ' and their parents were all like 'DON'T YOU UGH, WHATEVER ME' and the kid was all like 'IT'S NOT A PHASE DAD! _THIS IS WHO I AM_!'. Except one of them was just a photo of a fish, which didn't really add much to the weird atmosphere.

All the other rooms were very similar to the first room. Seven piles of seven objects arranged into a circle in the middle of a flooded floor. A flooded floor of _absolute terrifyingness and death_. And _wetness_.

But eventually there was another room. And this room was full of rocks. Seriously, there were a lot of rocks. Some were rather fancy too. It was like some kind of geological exhibit. Except it wasn't a geological exhibit. It was a flooded mansion full of piles of seven things.

But there were more than seven piles this time. Still arranged in a circle though. But _man_ , there were a _lot_ of piles.

And in the middle of this giant circle of piles of rocks... _was a pile of rocks_. But these rocks weren't like the other rocks. While the other rocks wore short skirts, these rocks wore t-shirts. While the other rocks were cheer captains, these rocks were on the bleachers. They dreamed of the day you'd wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time.

Also they were really fancy. Seriously, these rocks were just so fancy and stuff.

"Valuables! _Finally_!" excitedly wordified Rouge as she began to shove a bunch of rocks into the bags that were brought along for shoving things into.

But after all the rocks were in the bags, a horrifying thing was then realized.

 _Big had been sleeping on top of the fancy rocks in the middle of the room the entire time._ He wasn't on top of the rocks now though. And now he wasn't asleep anymore either.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING HERE?" he yelled in a loud voice, for he was very startled and stuff.

"We're here..." Silver then put on a pair of sunglasses. "... _to_... uh... fuck, I forgot to think of the rest of this one-liner. Anyway, we're gonna kill you for some reason."

"We are here to save that outdoor mall _in the name of convenient shopping_!" declared Rouge with great dramaticness. "And also justice probably?"

Silver made some kind of not as happy as they could be leg gestures. "Well I wouldn't call _that_ a one-liner, but I guess that works."

"Kill me?" Laughter then began to violently erupt forth from Big's face, as if it were some kind of lava violently erupting forth from someone's face. " _Kill me_? _YOU CAN'T KILL ME_! NOT WHEN I HAVE THE FANCY RO- _WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE FANCY ROCKS_?"

"We took them," began Blaze with menacingness. "And now we will take your life." She then began to begin to murder him.

"WAIT!" yelled Silver all suddenly. "I HAVE A ONE-LINER NOW!"

Everyone then paused for a moment to hear the one liner.

"I hope you saved your receipt..." Another pair of sunglasses then happened on Silver's face. "...because your life's about to get _returned_. Okay, there we go, now we can get back to killing him."

Blaze sighed a mildly annoyed sigh before turning back towards Big, and then Big was suddenly on fire. This wasn't a random thing though, since Blaze was making that a thing that was happening. And that fire was the fire that resulted in death somehow despite the water that was everywhere.

And so they all grabbed the bags of rocks and ran out of the building, which was now very on fire and very falling apart due to being on fire, and then they drove home. Absolutely no one in the world cared that Big was dead due to the fact that everyone was still celebrating the death of that evil disgusting clown. And thus, there were no consequences to their violation of like four different laws.

The end.


	7. The One With the Necromancy

Is anything really happening? Is everything just a complex illusion designed to feign existence? Does anyone even know the answers to questions like this? I highly doubt anyone knows. No one may ever know. It's just an eternal mystery that will go forever unsolved. But the point is it's a really nice Sunday and everyone was kind of just hanging around and it was nice.

But then the door suddenly stopped being attached to the wall and began being on the floor. A pair of feet landed on the door on the floor. Said feet were very edgy and the guy who owned the feet and the edginess was wearing a little skeleton.

"HAPPY HALLOWEEN, MOTHERFUCKERS!" screamed Shadow very suddenly while dumping a bunch of skeletons on the floor.

Everyone was now staring at him.

Sonic was the first to stare in a way that was less silent. "...Shadow, it's the _middle of November_. Halloween was _two weeks ago_."

"Hmph, the only reason Halloween ends is because _society wants it to_!" Shadows fins were clenched. Except he didn't have fins. They were not clenched. He did have fists though, and those fists were _very_ clenched. "But I refuse to along with what _society_ wants! _SOCIETY_ CANNOT CONTAIN MY _EDGINESS_!"

"...these are _fake_ skeletons, right?" questionated Rouge as she looked at all the skeletons with worriedness.

Shadow looked at Rouge in some kind of way. "Why would I want _fake_ skeletons? You can't make _fake_ skeletons _dance_! NECROMANCY DOES _NOTHING_ TO _PLASTIC_!"

Mild horror threw up all over her face. "Wait, you dug up _real_ \- ...are you _wearing a child's skeleton_?"

" _IT'S WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED_!" screamed Shadow all defensively and stuff in response.

" _GASP_!" gasped Knuckles. " _DANCING SKELETONS_? I LOVE WATCHING SKELETONS DANCE!"

" _Dude_ , this is gonna be _great_ ," said Tails with interest.

Sonic sighed. "You dug up a bunch of people's skeletons."

"Yes," replied Shadow all noddingly.

"Just so you could _make them dance_?" Frustrated gestures were happening out of Sonic's arms now.

Shadow looked at Sonic in a way that would suggest that he saw no moral issues with any of this. "What _else_ would I do with skeletons, _fuck them_?"

"WE'RE GONNA FUCK THE SKELETONS?" screamed Amy joyously.

" _AMY DON'T FUCK THE SKELETONS_!" Rouge yelled kind of firmly but also a bit weirded outly.

"I'd be pretty into fucking some of these skeletons too," said Silver while looking at the skeletons all over the floor. "Could be fun to try..." He then put on a pair of sunglasses. "... _boning them_."

" _NO ONE IS FUCKING THE SKELETONS_!" yelled Sonic in a way that was probably loud. "Goddamnit, we're going to have to bury them again aren't we?"

"Not until after I _make them dance_ ," declarationed Shadow while drawing a pentagram on the floor with blood.

Rouge's face then had more frustration and concern. "Okay _where_ did you get that blood?"

"From _my own body_! Why would I use _someone else's_ blood for necrodancy when mine's _already full of Satan_?" Shadow said all edgily.

"...good point actually. Still. Taking these back to the graveyard." And then Rouge began picking up the skeletons. "Come on Sonic, we've got skeletons to bury."

"Why not _him_?" Sonic questioned annoyedly while gesturing at Shadow. "He's the one who dug them up in the first place."

"You _really_ think it's a good idea to bring him _back_ to the place full of skeletons?"

"Fuck, you're right," said Sonic as a frustrated sigh happened out of his face.

And so they grabbed all the skeletons shoved them in a bag. Everyone was disappointed about how there wouldn't be dancing skeletons or skeleton fucking. Also Shadow had to take off the little dead kid's skeleton he was wearing and he was really butthurt about that. Anyway Sonic and Rouge left with all the skeletons and stuff and there was disappointedness.

Tails produced sad words from his mouth. "Shit man, those dancing skeletons would have been _real nice_."

"I really wanted to fuck those skeletons too..." said Amy also with sadness.

"Yes, the skeletons are gone..." Shadow said in a way that suggested something suspicious.

"WE COULD HAVE SEEN DANCING! BUT NOW _THERE IS NO DANCING_..." Knuckles yelled sadly. Basically everyone was just kind of sad. "IF ONLY THERE WERE _MORE SKELE_ -"

"...OR _ARE THEY_?" yelled Shadow dramatically as he pulled out another skeleton. It was kind of dirty and also covered in lube. Because I mean, you can't just shove an entire skeleton up your ass without covering it with lube.

"GASP!" gasped Knuckles dramatically at this development.

"Oh man, are we gonna see a skeleton dance after all?" Tails asked with his mouth.

" _YES WE ARE_!" Shadow also nodded dramatically while yelling that. "AND AFTER THE DANCING _YOU CAN FUCK IT_!"

Silver immediately felt a bunch of interest happen. "So we can fuck 'em after all, huh? _Nice_."

" _YES_!" screamed Amy with happyingnesslyness.

And so Shadow dumped the skeleton on the blood pentagram and everyone watched stuff happen.

" _YEEESSSS_!" yelled Shadow as the skeleton was beginning to get up. "NOW THE _DANCING_ WILL- what the _fuck_ is it doing?"

The skeleton was suddenly getting less skeletonish and more not-a-skeletonish. _Life was happening at it_.

"I'm _alive again_!?" the skeleton that was getting very not-a-skeleton declarified to themselves with a bit of surprise. "I always knew I was too a _meow_ zing to stay dead!"

"...yeah, that's notdancing," Silver said obviously.

The skeleton was now mostly full of muscles and flesh and stuff and also was now looking around a bit. "Ooh, and not in a coffin either! Now _that_ would have been _claws_ trophobic!"

"Dude, are skeletons supposed to make cat puns?" Tails questioned. "'cause I don't think that's, like, a skeleton thing."

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU _DOING_?" Shadow yelled at the now mostly-not-a-skeleton. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO _COME BACK TO LIFE AND MAKE PUNS_! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO _DANCE_!"

Silver shrugged. "I don't know, I'd be pretty into fucking a skeleton who made puns," he said as he thought about how much he'd love to fuck a pun skeleton. Just like a bunch of people on Tumblr.

"Pfff, do you even _know who I am_?" the skeleton asked. But the skeleton wasn't a skeleton now. He had flesh and organs and stuff. And fur. Brown fur. Like the kind a bobcat would have. Bobcat fur. "I am the _best_ mas _cat_ with attitude according to _literally everyone_! The name's _Bubsy_! _Purr_ haps you've heard of me?"

Everyone kind of just stared at him and tried to think about if they had any idea of who he was. None of them had any idea of who he was.

"Dude, what the fuck is a Bubsy?" asked Tails after a moment.

"... _none_ of you've heard of me?" Bubsy was really surprised about this. "What a _cat_ astrophe! Guess this means that it's _time for a comeback_!"

"Making a _comeback_?" Shadow began while pulling out a gun. "More like MAKING A COMEBACK TO _DEATH_ , _BITCH_!" And then he shot Bubsy in the face. Death resulted.

"Dude, that got resolved really fast," Tails pointed out in some kind of way. "Seems kinda _weird_ , ya know?"

Shadow wasn't really paying much attention to what Tails said because he was too annoyed to care. "Well _now_ I have to get rid of _all this flesh and meat_!" And then he went off to grab a knife.

But then his foot suddenly was being grabbed right when he turned around. That grabbing was caused by a hand. _Bubsy's hand_. And then the hand was moved in a way that made Shadow fall over all fallingly.

"Nine lives, _meow_ therfucker!" yelled Bubsy as he and jumped on Shadow and stood on top of him all dramatically and stuff and grabbed his gun before he could.

And then Bubsy used the gun to stab Shadow in the back. Repeatedly. Over and over again. It was fatal somehow.

" _HA_! YOU WERE NOT PRE _PURR_ ED FOR THE _WRATH_ OF _BUBSY_!" And so he stood there on top of Shadow's corpse, posing dramatically and triumphantly while everyone else stared really surprisededly.

And it was at that moment that the door opened and Rouge showed up.

"Hey, so, we actually have no idea _which_ graveyard you- _...what the hell happened here_."

" _Goddamnit_ , I knew _something_ would go wrong," said the voice that belonged to Sonic who was standing just outside. But then he went back into the room and saw the room's roomness and began to stare at it with the shock and fury of some kind of shocked furiousness. "... _Bubsy_."

A bit of excitement happened on Bubsy's face. " _Finally_ , someone who remem _purrs_ me!" Said excitement immediately unhappened when he recognized the words' angry sayer. "...welp, I'm outta here!"

And thus Bubsy jumped out the window and ran off.

" _GET BACK HERE YOU PIECE OF SHIT RIPOFF_!" Sonic yelled out the window as running away happened.

While that was happening Rouge was looking at Shadow's corpse. "Well, he's dead." Her foot then suddenly started being used for prodding at the body.

"What?" whated Shadow while suddenly being less dead.

" _Really_? You got killed by fucking _Bubsy_?" Sonic questioned irritatedly. "How is he even _alive_?"

"YOU CANNOT _PROVE_ THAT I SHOVED HIS SKELETON UP MY ASS AND TRIED TO MAKE IT DANCE! _THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF THAT_!" said Shadow in a very quiet and _definitely_ not loud way while getting up and pulling the gun out of his back.

"So," because Rouge, "who was that Bubsy guy exactly?"

Sonic sighed, because that's a thing he does a lot. "An old 'mascot with attitude' ripoff, and _the most fucking annoying guy I have ever met_. I thought _maybe_ since he was _dead_ I'd never have to deal with him again." He then looked over at Shadow with a face that suggested frustration. "But _no_. _Of course not_. Because _apparently_ you just _had_ to bring him back. _TWENTY GODDAMN YEARS LATER,_ AND I _STILL_ HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM!"

"HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ALIVE! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO _DANCE_!" declared Shadow, for dancing was the entire point of everything.

"WELL HE'S DANCING NOW ALRIGHT!" screamed Sonic in a tone that suggested anger. "DANCING _RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW_!"

"Why didn't you just run after him after he jumped out the window anyway?" asked Rouge, for that occurred to her and stuff.

Sonic's eyes' wideness increased. His face did the kind of thing that suggested he was all like 'oh shit you're right'. He then turned around and ran out the door wordlessly. Doing it unwordlessly would have taken too long.

" _BUBSYYYYY_!" he screamed off in the distance. He was distant now. Like a thing rapidly getting far away.

"...well I guess this is the part where we follow him there," said Rouge after silence. She didn't want to miss the dramatic confrontation. No one did. Everyone got up and went off to see this happen.

Bubsy was there somewhere where he had ran off to. In the middle of the road. Not dead.

He sighed fondly. He loved being alive. " _Fondly sighing_ ," he sighed, fondly. "I love being alive! And _purr_ haps now the market is finally ready for _me_! MY _COMEBACK_ WILL BEGIN _SOON_!"

"Like hell it will," said a hedgehog-shaped voice. Sonic's voice. "I absolutely _refuse_ to have to deal with you again after _twenty years of you being gone_!"

"... _Jesus Christ in a recycling bin_! It's been _twenty years_?! Everything must have changed so much... everyone's probably _fur_ gotten about me..." Surprise and realization poured off of his face like lighter fluid on a thing that would be on fire if someone threw fire at it. "So many people have ne _fur_ heard of me..."

"Yeah, great, whatever," Sonic said dismissively. "Can you just die again already?"

"If everything's so different now... THEN NOW IS THE _PURR_ FECT TIME! A NEW WORLD! A NEW AUDIENCE! A NEW OP _PURR_ TUNITY-"

"TO _DIE_ , _BITCH_!" screamed an edgier hedgehog voice who had suddenly happened, immediately followed by a gun noise and also Bubsy falling over all corpsishly.

Bubsy was dead once more. Everyone was relieved that this was over.

Shadow was annoyed though. "Hmph, _now_ I have to remove all this flesh and-"

" _No_ ," said Sonic very bluntly and forcefully or something along the lines of that. "No more skeletons, no more necromancy-"

Shadow pfffed at this. "Necro _dancy_."

"I don't care _what_ it's called, just _don't fucking do it_."

Rouge then went over and grabbed Bubsy's corpse so it could be returnified to the graveyard. She sighed. "Imagine how much we'll have to bribe people to get these buried again without getting arrested."

And so they all started walking home to get the rest of the skeletons needed to bury.

"Wait a fuckin' minute," began Tails as he realized something. "Kinda seems like this was like, resolved pretty quick. Didn't he just come back when this happened befo-"

" _Everyone_!" yelled the sudden voice of Blaze who had suddenly arrived, her voice dripping with urgency and her hand dripping with a phone. Metaphorically. It was a metaphor. The phone wasn't melting. "There is a Snorlax right down the street from here! Hurry, it will disappear if you don't get it quickly!"

"Oh shit, really?" Tails said as he pulled out his phone and immediately forgot what he was saying.

And so, everyone took out their phones and dropped the corpse and ran off to catch the Snorlax. Bubsy's corpse was just laying there. All forgotten. And dead.

Briefly dead at least.

" _Sad sigh_..." Bubsy sighed sadly as he stopped being dead, "always _fur_ gotten." He stood up dramatically. "But that will change! Now is the time to reach my full _paw_ tential! LOOK OUT, WORLD! _BUBSY'S GONNA HAVE A COMEBACK_!"


End file.
